i've been through many phases in my life, but i never imagined that i would be as excited as i am about being a wife. i consider myself a feminist, but the more i think about marrying simon, the more i realize how much i am looking forward to everything that is traditionally considered "domestic".
i would love to have a kitchenaid, maybe even a yellow one. i want to sew things. i want to be in charge of our family photo albums, and christmas traditions, and buying pumpkins every halloween.
i want to cook deliciously healthy meals, bake birthday cakes and most importantly, eat them with my husband. and perhaps most surprising of all... i am head over heels excited to take simon's last name.
i guess being a real feminist means being able to do whatever you want to do. and as it turns out... what i want to do is be very married. :)
so, to those of you who are wives, i would love to hear your thoughts... how has being married changed you? and what has surprised you the most?
p.s. joanna is currently featuring a series called secrets to happy marriages. i am loving it; check it out.
(photo credit: oh my deer)
Nina,
ReplyDeleteMy sweet husband and I married two and a half years ago. When we got engaged (after dating only four months -- we were sure so soon!) we had some discouraging older people saying things like "My condolences" and "Enjoy the honeymoon while it lasts." Our honeymoon has lasted for two and half years, and being married is even more wonderful than I thought it could be. (And I had high expectations, because I'm the child of a happy marriage and my parents are still so cute together.)
I don't pretend to be an expert, but there are a few things we've learned together: to be patient and flexible; to have regular date nights and spend as much time as we can together; that it's always worth the effort to be kind when it's easier to be cranky; that it's the most wonderful thing to go to sleep next to your favorite person in the world and know that he's going to be there in the morning to kiss your nose and say hello; that those cranky old people must have stopped trying not long after the honeymoon.
I know that marriage has taught both of us to be more selfless and more giving, but I've never understood why people say that marriage is terribly hard. In my experience, it's been so very easy. I love taking care of our home and leaving sweet notes for my husband and doing things that I know will make him happy, because he does the same for me. After two years of marriage, I love him so, so much more than I did on the day I married him.
It's wonderful, and don't let anyone try to frighten you into believing otherwise.
-Sarah
ps: We went to Boston on our honeymoon, so I absolutely love reading your posts about the city, with which we both fell in love.
Nina!
ReplyDeleteGosh, I can't tell you how happy I am for you both! And I totally know what you mean about how you just want to be "very" married. I consider myself to be a completely independent and self-sufficient woman. The kind that was happy with the idea that I would be single forever and travel the globe and have life experiences. Sure I'd probably date here and there but nothing serious. This was the path that I was completely ready to take (especially after having a string of completely unhealthy and heartbreaking relationships). I came to terms with this belief and went about reaffirming my own happiness.
And then I met The One.
Oh, jeeze. Life does not prepare you for The One! It's like meeting the only person who actually GETS you. You know? So after two months (TWO MONTHS!) of dating, we decided to surprise our entire family by eloping.
That was 15 months ago. And I am still unbelievably in love. Like Sarah's story above, we were faced with lots of criticism and doubt. I even lost someone who I thought was a close friend to me because she actually told me, "I give you two less than a year. Tops." It was hurtful, selfish, and downright rude. But Ryan and I continue to prove our love to one another and that this was not just a fickle move out of impulse and attraction. It's so hard to explain.
I guess the biggest thing that surprised me about marriage is just how NATURAL it feels. Everything about it: walking our dogs, having spontaneous dress-up date nights, indulging in wine and chocolate and long deep talks late into the night, and just loving one another. Never in my life have I ever felt so happy or complete. Ever.
Wow, I didn't realize how long this comment was! (I'm sorry!) But again, I am unbelievably happy for you both. I cannot wait to hear about your adventures as husband and wife!
xoxo,
Tanya
There are definitely challenges and moments when you're tired of picking up dirty socks or putting the toilet lid back down. But, don't sweat the small stuff, right? I just read an article on "Modern Love" on the New York Times (through A Cup of Jo). I would read that if you have a moment in addition to The Four Agreements.
ReplyDeleteAnd one thing about the Kitchen Aid. I love mine minus one small thing. Get the one where the top angles back instead of slides up and down. The sliding up and down can be cumbersome and just plain annoying.
Oh, Nina...you're going to LOVE being married and being a wife.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, it's great. I love planning and cooking meals, keeping the house clean and organized, making my husband's lunch for him before he heads to work, doing laundry, planning birthday celebrations, dreaming of the day we'll have kids, and so much more.
I didn't know that I would ever enjoy cleaning toilets so much...but there really is something magical that happens when you do these seemingly tedious tasks out of love for your husband. :)
Congratulations to you! Enjoy this special time. Each stage of a relationship is worth appreciating. Its so easy to get carried away with wedding plans and looking forward to being married. Take the time to enjoy being a fiancee. I have enjoyed "being very married" for two years now. I think the most surprising thing for me was when I looked at my husband one day and realized, "He really is my best friend!" I had always hated when people referred to their spouse/partner as their best friend- I thought it was cheesy and cliche. But the fact of the matter is that its very true. Not only is he my best friend, he is my favorite person.
ReplyDeleteOne small piece of advice:
Never underestimate the importance of being polite. So often we remember to say excuse me to a stranger, thank you to the person who bags our groceries, please to a co-worker but we forget these common courtesies with the ones we love the most. Its easy to do when you become so comfortable with someone, but your spouse deserves the respect you would give anyone else. Excuse me when reaching over the sink, thank you for throwing a load of laundry in, please can I have a kiss...
Its little things like this that I think are part of a healthy and happy relationship.
Oh and one more--- LAUGH OFTEN!
Best of luck to you both.
Julia
There is two bit's of advice that I give nearly wed couples and that is: Always remember the reason you are together - amidst the stresses and strains of daily life - remember. And to keep the laughter in your relationship. Congratulations to you both!
ReplyDeletenina you are beautiful! i'm head over heels in love but not engaged (yet) and i can tell i'm getting to that stage :) i cannot wiat for any of those things! things i'd never think i'd be excited about.. having a home, cleaning that home, having dinner ready for my hubs, driving to soccer practices, starting traditions...all of those sound like the perfect life and i cannot wait! xoxo
ReplyDeletenina,
ReplyDeleteso excited for you to be a wife! it's going to be fabulous. one thing i would say is to try not to "over-fill" your life with things that make it difficult to fulfill those domestic charms that you love. that way they remain magical and not just a thing to add more guilt to your life--like, "oh, shoot, I was too busy again this year to scrapbook our family's xmas or decorate the house for halloween or sew that blanket. as the lovely feminists we are, we often try to do EVERYTHING and it is just not possible. so revel in the early stages of your marriage and try to indulge yourself in all the love and domesticity that you crave. and know that the kitchen aid rocks. i have it in red. :) love you!
Since I got married 3 years ago I've transformed into a 'wife' who sews things, and cooks, and does the photo albums... I love it.
ReplyDeleteI too am a feminist, and when we got married I never saw myself becoming what I am now. As long as my husband does the ironing, the dishes, and cleans the bathroom, I think it all works out in the end!
oh i'm so excited for you!!! being married has been one of the most amazing journeys i have ever been on, and i have loved every second, both the perfect and the incredible gut-wrenching ones.
ReplyDeletehaving a career is all i ever wanted - all my life. my little sister always wanted to get married, have babies and be a housewife. turns out, that's what i truly want too. since being married i've realized how much i love the small things - making his favorite meal, doing laundry, keeping our house tidy, throwing dinner parties, etc. we don't have children yet, but i could see myself being totally content, staying home and taking care of our family one day.
3 years ago, i would have laughed at anyone who told me i would say being a housewife is my dream job. but it is:) and i can't wait until the day i can do it full time!!
you guys are amazing. this is all such perfect advice. thank you *so much* for being here!
ReplyDeleteI had the same exact feeling when we got engaged! I wanted to bake. And we got the kitchen aid mixer as a wedding prezzie. I'm also a feminist, and it DOES mean being able to go for what you want. i think the generation before ours rebelled against convention, now we are rebelling by craving it :)
ReplyDeleteYou are going to LOVE being married. Chris and I moved in together really early into our relationship and were married just a year and 1/2 later. I knew the night i met him that he was The One. i love ending and beginning my day with him, i love that we can plan a future together. I love knowing that a fight doesnt mean a break-up. What's funny is that even after living together, something DOES change when you get married. It suddenly feels much deeper - permanent. he has become your family.
Sure somedays dishes in the sink annoy me. But i am still madly in love with this guy after being his wife for over a year now. Next week we move into our first house (that we bought), and last week we found out that we are going to have a baby!
It just keeps getting better.
luv,
-kara
ps: he and I took each other's last names. So we both have 2 last names (no hyphen). My good friends did the same thing. It was a lot of fun to practice doodling with the new signature.
Nina, this post is so true, and a perfect representation of what REAL feminism should be about. I think so many of us grew up with the idea that feminism meant going out and being "career women," finding success in the working world. Although I still aspire to be successful in the workplace, I'm learning that really, feminism is about being happy in the role designed for you. For me, that role encompasses a lot of things: daughter, sister, friend, co-worker, and wife. In the past 8 months of marriage, I've learned so much about myself, about true success and ambition. Marriage is a beautiful lesson in selflessness, in putting others before yourself. You're going to love it, and you're going to love the self-discovery it brings. Best wishes!
ReplyDeleteNina,
ReplyDeleteYou make me smile from ear-to-ear with this post. I too, consider myself a feminist, but when I married the man of my dreams 8+ years ago, something changed. I didn't stop caring about women's issues and my independence and goals, but my thoughts shifted a bit. I instantly wanted to be his "geisha". And from the moment I said "I do" (and really, a few months before since we lived together prior to the vows), I sat my beloved on a pedestal, and I've never let him fall down. I find pure joy and delight in making sure all of his needs are met, cooking his favorite foods, bringing him his warm tea while he showers for work, rubbing his back after a long stressful day, helping him with his yoga poses, and always listening to how his day was or his recent discovery or inspiration. We like to have a 'cocktail hour' every night and sit and discuss what happened during our day. He also treats me like a queen and as if I am the most precious and beautiful woman on the face of the Earth. We adore one another, and we find bliss in every moment we are together.
Now that we have a little girl, our cocktail hours have shifted to later at night, but we still make sure there is one because it is important to stay close and involved. I still find the time to leave little notes in his lunches I pack for him daily, and I also make sure to send a very sexy email or leave a note about what he has to look forward to when he arrives home. There is not a day that goes by that I don't tell him how incredibly stunning he is - because to this day, I still look at him and thank my lucky star for giving me such an extraordinary 'Renaissance' man who is sexy, loving, kind, gentle, brilliant, artistic, and LOVES me with all his heart.
Being a wife is FABULOUS, and I enjoy every bit of my "June Cleaver" roles!
Here's to wishing you wonderful wife-hood!
~Melissa
Hi Nina,
ReplyDeleteFirst, wow, you have the best readers. I have really enjoyed reading everyone's awesome comments and advice. It's a double bonus for me, because I recently got engaged as well! So I am reading very carefully, you see.
I can really relate to how you are feeling. I never thought I would be so excited to share his last name. It's even a strange one that people mispronounce, and I would not trade it for anything.
My interests have always been pretty domestic, but it wasn't until now that someone has come along and appreciated my little projects and paid attention to my interests and other odd quirks. I feel like we fit together. And I can't wait to be very married and do wifely things, whatever they may be.
Congratulations Nina! I am so happy for you! I love being married.
ReplyDeleteMarriage is everything I ever dreamed of and hoped it would be like. Of course, there are always stresses and challenges, but when you are with the right person; the one you knew you were meant to be with, you get through them. I love that we have made our house a home; filled it with special things along our journey together. I love that we have our own special words, songs, restaurants, places and that we have made special traditions together that we can now share with our two children. And the best part, we still have our own identities, and we allow each other to continue to maintain them. We just happen to be one now and I think that's the part I love the most.
Best of luck to the both of you!! And P.S. I just LOVE your blog.
oh, nina. this is so, so sweet. i completely agree with you. i think that cooking, cleaning, and just looking after your husband is too romantic an opportunity to pass up.
ReplyDeleteand i can't wait to do the same. even if i'm not quite sixteen yet. i do have one sweet boy, though, who makes me smile like crazy on my worst days. and that's good, right? =)
i love reading this blog. it's fantastic. and so pretty all around.
-gillie
awe Nina, that is too cute.... i am so very happy for you ! u will be a kick ass wife! that is awesome that u are SO excited about all those things, that is AMAZING actually!!!!!!!!! :)
ReplyDeleteit made me smile,,, i cannot wait to be as excited about those things as you are :)
Your post just made me fall in love all over again as I remembered all of the amazing firsts and moments that have made my life feel special. I love my Spencer and I can't wait to spend everyday with my vest friend. Taking our dog for walks, cuddling on the couch, going shopping for the perfect coffee table, or even just paying the bills has become special as I realize everything we do we're doing it together with our futures in mind. I love him forever and I can't wait to become his Mrs.
ReplyDeleteI was pretty sure that I never wanted to be married. i never wanted any of the domesticiy that was involved. but i met bf and i have never wanted to be someone's wife so badly.
ReplyDeleteyou're a lucky girl, nina.
How great to be so in love you want to clean for somebody! I do know what you mean.
ReplyDeleteWe did have trouble with the name thing though, as I'd been married before and changing my name felt like I'd be changing/losing myself.
It took me a few months but I did change it and I'm so glad I did. It's just a symbol but somehow it makes me feel that we are more of a unit. And really, Schell is such a lovely last name to have.
Congratulations
Mx
i'm the same way. i love working and making my own money, but i also find great joy in cooking, and sewing. but i always contributed that to the artist in me. although i do the healthy meals because i want my husband to be healthy because i love him. im married for 3 years now. congrats to you! its a lovely thing
ReplyDeleteCongrats! I've been happily married for almost 3 years... although I can say although I've not had the urge to bake, I have become quite domesticated in other senses (I now make my bed every day - that's a turn for the books).
ReplyDeleteI'm with you on the feminism thing... These women worked hard so that we would have the choices they didn't. I did keep my last name - for my own reasons. My husband does all the cooking and we both share the cleaning duties. Our relationship, in all areas, is about balance... and putting in equally.
My advice for a happy marriage is always keep communicating... a silent marriage is an unhappy marriage (unless of course one is deaf).
I'm not a wife, however, when I read your post I immediately thought, "Me too!" I can't wait to take care of my husband and do all the things you listed. P.S. I LOVE your blog!
ReplyDeleteNot married yet Nina, but oh, can I say that I yearn for the day I'm in your shoes?
ReplyDeleteAs with many of the ladies who have already posted, I never ever EVER wanted to get married. I received my KitchenAid mixer as a gift from my grandmother when I moved away, and after living by myself for 6 years I had managed to own pretty much all the necessities - My mother was becoming discouraged saying, "You won't be able to have a registry if you've bought everything already!" and I would reply, "mom, I'm not getting married, remember?" I liked being single, very much. Not to mention I was on the youngish side (I was 23 when I finally left) and thought it silly to even consider marriage.
And I moved back home with my parents over a year ago, to save money and figure out my career. Not only has my KitchenAid been in storage since then (I miss it! It's red!), but I met someone who knocked my world askew. I'm terribly in love, and all I can think about is the day I say "I Do". I even want a proper wedding with a reception and everything! (previously, I had only considered thinking about getting married if it consisted of something like eloping in Japan when I was around 40 years old). Also, I've been thinking thoughts that my formally independent self would have loathed: such as the fact that I'm almost 25, and it's not that young to get engaged, especially if you're engaged for awhile, and ohmygod, I was only 19 years old yesterday, I better get crackin!
And can I admit that I even have a case of baby fever? Me, the proud advocate for overpopulation who once declared that it's my duty to not ever have a child to contribute.
Ohmygoodness, I stun myself sometimes. But that's love, and all I can give for advice is to soak up every minute you can. Constantly remain conscious that you're with someone you love, your best friend, and he is thinking likewise.
(Oh, and my Sir is from Boston! He took me there for the first time in February, and I fell in love with New England, too. I desperately want to live there, but I need a job, first... And maybe a ring? Teehee!)
~melina
I love this post! I'll have to think about the question some...
ReplyDeleteI was just journalling about this very thing this weekend. We've been married nearly a year (Nov 1) and though we lived together for 2 years prior to getting married, something definitely shifted when we said our 'i dos' (nothing special there.) But I realized that in all my at-times miserable single-ness, I did a lot of creative things by myself and with others and I've allowed some of that to slip away. Though I let my husband know I'd need a lot of alone time when we moved in together, I didn't really take it. I think some of it is just part of the evolution of a marriage. Now that we're more settled (buying a house even!) that hollow-space of wanting more for myself is becoming more evident. Hence the journaling this weekend. It's like I almost have to be much more deliberate about making time to just be in my studio/office for 'me' stuff. Just my thoughts on this rainy labor day...
ReplyDeleteHello Nina,
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you still read these older posts, but I had to share, too!
I married my husband, whom I've been with two years now, a couple of months and I love him to bits. We never had the ''do you want to be with me?'' wondering phase, we just were from the first moment we met.
My parents didn't agree to our three-months-after-meeting-each-other-engagement, I had a bit of a fight with my Mom actually. Sad when one is so happy. My hubby said he had to ask before my leaving to Tokyo with my friends ''otherwise some guy there will take you away before I get there'' Silly but so darn cute! Of course I said yes!
The most important thing I have noticed that keeps things fresh and doubt away is saying ''I love you'' every single day, maaaany times. I just love hearing it even though I know he loves me very much. Hugs and kisses have no limit. And we talk. A lot. About everything. Even those most embarrassing things, whatever they may be to different people.
One of the best bits is sleeping together. I love snuggling close to his back, sniffing in his scent and then I'm knocked out plus very warm. Even nightmares hold at bay when he's around.
Sometimes I almost feel sad for other people, including my dear older sisters, who don't have what we have. We don't even argue! We try sometimes but it always becomes a joke. Well, what can ya do.. :)
Hold on to your hubby-to-be, good men are a hard to find natural resource. When you ''get'' one you hold on to him like never before. Have fun and regret nothing.